Remy LeBeau Institute for the Romantic Challenged
by Bronwynne
Summary: Madcap hijinks as Remy tries to give romance lessons to his fellow mutants.


Just a quick note, I created Eden for a RPG game. She belongs to me. I keep her in a bottle locked in a box. Fio is a real person. She loves Pyro just like I love Gambit.  
  
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The Remy Le Beau Institute for the Romantically Challenged  
  
Gambit: Bonjour! An welcom to de Remy LeBeau Institute for the Romantically Challenged! I am your instructor Remy LeBeau.  
  
Pyro: YEEHAH! (makes flame hounds)  
  
Lance: I don't even know why I'm here.  
  
Scott: Shut up Alvers.  
  
Lance: Make me shades!  
  
Pyro: (in a panicked tone of voice) Where's my lighter? AHHHHHHHH!  
  
Gambit: Mes Ami's, be quiet.  
  
Pyro: (highly agitated) Don't talk to me like that! Crikey! What bug crawled up your a..  
  
Lance: (cutting Pyro off before he can finish) Can it Pyro!  
  
Gambit: All of you can it. As I was sayin before i was so rudley interrupted.... Welcome to our first lesson. Hopefully our teaching assistants will be here soon.  
  
(Loud ruckus in hallway, sounds of yeling and someone banging into stuff, the occasional crash of something hitting the floor)  
  
Scott: Uh oh.......  
  
(Eden bursts through the door and trips over rug in front of door falling flat on her face, Jean follows her in)  
  
Eden: (picking self off the floor) Sorry we're late! I was trying to round up volunteers. Well actually I was feeding a big fat lie to someone so they'll join us, she should be along shortly and the last one should be here any moment no- (interrupted by a redheaded girl who crashes through the door with a huge bag and a smaller bag) Meet my friend Fiora!  
  
Fio: Yeah yeah hi. Now where is he? (sees Pyro and gives a loud shriek of glee. Pyro looks   
  
slightly concerned starts looking for an escape route. Fio runs to him and glomps   
  
him wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing)  
  
Pyro: I..................... can't......................breathe................  
  
Lance: Hold on tighter. I want to see his head explode.  
  
Scott: (hitting on Jean) Hey good lookin......  
  
Jean: (giggling) Hey Tiger........(the two of them oogle eachother)  
  
Gambit: Well dat's three, (facing Eden) Petite, I told you I needed four femmes.  
  
Eden: Yeah, I know, hang on a minute, I'll be right back. (she dissapears into hallway and a few minutes later arguing can be heard as well as another crash as something else hits the floor, the others can hear Eden say "Whoops, heh heh heh. Jamie did it". The aruging gets louder and more crashing like someone is running into the wall, and finally Eden reappears dragging Rogue with her) Here's the fourth!  
  
Gambit: (big smile spreads across face) Chere! How nice of you to come help me out!  
  
Rogue: (to Eden) You said this was a study group! I'm outta here! (heads towards door, but Eden grabs her arm and drags her to the middle of the room, closer to Gambit. Meanwhile Pyro is turning purple in the face due to a lack of oxygen)  
  
Eden: (to Fio) GOOD GOD GIRL! LET HIM BREATHE!  
  
Fio: Whoops, heh heh heh, sorry!  
  
Eden: (to Gambit) Here's your assistant, (pushes Rogue at him) I'll go help Lance (giggling she rushes over to Lance who's throwing pencils at the ceiling)  
  
Jean: I'll help Scott.  
  
Lance: Good Idea Red. Summers needs all the help he can get.........  
  
Scott: Say that to my face Alvers!  
  
Lance: Bring it on!  
  
Gambit: Both of you shut up. Now dat we all have our assistants, we can begin.  
  
Pyro: Can you tell this sheila to take the handcuffs off? (holds up left arm which is now cuffed to Fio's right hand)  
  
Fio: NO! If I do you'll run away. Plus I bear gifts..........(dumps the large bag she brought in with her at Pyro's feet. Tons of shiny new lighters come falling out)  
  
Eden: Pyro, her name is Fio, not Sheila.  
  
Fio: NO! HE CAN CALL ME ANYTHING HE WANTS!  
  
Pyro: (laughing insanely) Sheila! You know the way to a man's heart! (starts clicking lighters while Fio watches with adoration)  
  
Gambit: You know, I'm trying to give a class here.  
  
Rogue: Good God. YOU? TEACH? (starts laughing)  
  
Eden: Rogue, that's mean. Be nice to your boyfriend.  
  
Rogue: (through clenched teeth) HE'S...............NOT.................MY.........................BOYFRIEND!  
  
Gambit: Deny all you want Chere, I'll wear you down.  
  
Rogue: AHHHHHH!  
  
Scott: What? The Rogue and the Cajun? When did this happen? (jumps out of seat ready to blast Gambit)  
  
Eden: This is better than soap operas...........  
  
Jean: Scott.......... calm down (puts her arm around Scott and they move to the back of the room)  
  
Lance: Can I go now?  
  
Gambit: Non. Ok, first lesson is how to make a good first impression on your lady. (Moves to center of room by Rogue who's scowling with her arms crossed. She glares at him as he approaches her)  
  
Rogue: Are you sure you should be giving this class? If you tell them to tell the spazzy 15 year old girl at the door you are a delivery boy so she'll let you in, I'm so out of here........  
  
Gambit: You know you love me, you're glad I visited that night......  
  
Scott: WHAT? HE WAS IN THE MANSION? WHEN?  
  
Jean: Scott........... shhhhhhhh  
  
Gambit: As I was sayin, please face your partner.  
  
Rogue: This is so stupid.  
  
Pyro: (tries to face Fio, but it's difficult seeing as she still has them handcuffed) Sheila! Please! Take the handcuffs off! (To Gambit) Can't you reason with her mate?  
  
Lance: I don't want to do this. (Ignoring Eden who's hanging on his arm gazing up at him with adoration)  
  
Pyro: If anyone needs to do this mate, it's you. You need some serious help. I mean come on, you wear a fishbowl helmet with your uniform.......  
  
Eden: I like Lances' fishbowl................  
  
(Scott and Jean are now making out in the corner)  
  
Rogue: Get a room!  
  
(Class is interrupted by Kitty, who phases in through the wall by the door)  
  
Kitty: Is this, like, a party or something?  
  
Rogue: No, this is the lowest circle of hell.  
  
Eden: Rogue!  
  
Kitty: Yeah, whatever (notices Lance) Ew. I'm so out of here.  
  
Lance: Kitty! Wait!  
  
Kitty: Like, this is totally icksome.(phases out through wall)  
  
Eden: Hmph. (crosses arms in front of her chest and glares at Lance)  
  
Lance: What?  
  
Eden: Jerk! (punches him in arm)  
  
Rogue: Does this mean we're done? Can I leave now?  
  
Pyro: I........................ can't.......................breathe.....................again..........(Fio has once again wrapped her arms around his neck)  
  
Fio: Your'e mine............aaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll miiiiiiiiine..............  
  
Pyro: Crikey Sheila! Let me breathe!  
  
Fio: NO! YOU'RE MINE!  
  
Pyro: (to Gambit) This girl's craaaaaaaaaazy............  
  
Rogue: So are you. You're perfect for eachother.  
  
Gambit: And you're perfect for me.  
  
Rogue: UGH!  
  
Lance: Are we done?  
  
Gambit: NO!  
  
(they are interrupted again by a cloud of sulfer smoke announcing Kurt's arrival)  
  
Kurt: Hey everybody!  
  
Eden: Hi Kurt! (rushes over and glomps him)  
  
Kurt: I............ can't .................breathe..................  
  
Eden: Whoops, sorry!  
  
Kurt: Anyone seen Kitty?  
  
Eden: WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT KITTY?  
  
Fio: She was just here a minute ago, you just missed her.  
  
Kurt: Who are you?!?  
  
Fio: (nearly cutting off Pyro's air supply agian) I'm with him...  
  
Pyro: Gaaak! Someone get me a lighter!  
  
Rogue: This just keeps getting stupider and stupider. I'm leaving. (heads to door but is blocked by Gambit)  
  
Gambit: Where you goin Chere?  
  
Rogue: Away. Far far away.  
  
Kurt: Hi sis!  
  
Rogue: Don't call me that!  
  
Lance: You two are related? (throws another pencil at the ceiling)   
  
Kurt: Yes.  
  
Rogue: (at the same time as Kurt) NO.  
  
Kurt: Mystique's my mother and she adopted Rogue when she was four.  
  
Eden: No way!  
  
Gambit: Can we please focus on the class?  
  
Kurt: I'm leaving. I need to find Kitty. (sticks tounge out at Eden who's scowling at him and Lance for going after Kitty) Have fun with your boyfriend Sis! (teleports out before she can hit him)  
  
Rogue: (eye twitching) HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!  
  
Eden: Suuuuuuuure...........riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight............. and you don't keep that card he gave you in your po....... (cut off by Rogue clamping her hand over her mouth)  
  
Rogue: (hissing) Shut up!  
  
Eden: Fine. I won't tell him how you had me weld the clasp of that necklace shut.......  
  
Rogue: EDEN! SHUT UP!  
  
Gambit: (grinning and raising his eyebrows up and down) Really Chere? How touching. You do care....  
  
Rogue: AHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Gambit: (pleased with himself , knowing Rogue really does care) Can we all focus now?  
  
Lance, Eden, Rogue, Pyro: No.  
  
Fio: I love you Pyro.  
  
Pyro: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
(Kitty comes back in by phasing through the ceiling)  
  
Kitty: Quick! You have to hide me from Kurt!  
  
(Another cloud of sulfer smoke announces Kurt's arrival)  
  
Kurt: Kitty! There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!  
  
Gambit: (noticing Jean and Scott) Well they seem to have the right idea......... (turns to Rogue and smiles at her) Wanna give that a go?  
  
Rogue: Sure if you want to end up in a coma. (mumbles under breath) Moron.  
  
Eden: Uhhh......  
  
  
  
Rogue: What idea? To ram their tounge's down eachother's throats? I'll pass.   
  
Lance: Hey Kitty!  
  
Kitty: Ugh.  
  
Lance: (grumbling and noticed Eden glaring at him again) What?  
  
Eden: You are such a jerk!  
  
Kitty: Yes. Yes he is.  
  
(Scott and Jean are now practically groping eachother)  
  
Rogue: I think I'm gonna be sick. Kurt, can't you teleport them out of here before we all vomit?  
  
Kurt: Sure thing sis. I'll be right back. (puts hand on Scott's shoulder and wraps his tail around Jean's leg and with a bamf! and some sulfer, the three of them dissapeared)  
  
Kitty: Like, whatcha doin?  
  
Rogue: Something stupid.  
  
Pyro: Heeeeeeeeeellllllllp mmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........  
  
Fio: We should name our first born son St. John Allerdyce the second and our first daughter Sheila......  
  
Pyro: AHHHHHHHHHH! SOMEONE HELP ME!  
  
Lance: You're on you own man.  
  
Pyro: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
(Kurt teleports back in)  
  
Kurt: What's going on here?  
  
Rogue: Something stupid.  
  
Kitty: You said that already.  
  
Rogue: Well it is............  
  
Eden: Gambit's giving lessons for the romantically challenged.  
  
Kitty: Well that explains why Lance is here......  
  
Lance: Hey!  
  
Kurt: Sounds fun. Can I join in?  
  
Kitty: Yeah, like me too.  
  
Gambit: Sure Elf, you and de Shadowcat can be partners.  
  
(Lance scowles at Kurt while Eden scowles at him and Rogue scowles at everybody)  
  
Gambit: Now, like I was sayin, first you need to impress your lady with a good first impression. For example, (turns to Rogue who glares at him. She takes off her left glove then starts to look at her nails) Why Chere, Heaven must be missing an angel if you're here. (faces rest of the class) Now gentlemen, you try.  
  
Rogue: (coughing) Cheesy!  
  
Pyro: (to Fio) Why Sheila , that's a mighty fine choke hold you have. Please undo the handcuffs.....  
  
  
  
Fio: Not yet honey. Not until AFTER we're married........  
  
Pyro: For the love of God......  
  
Kurt: (to Kitty in a joking sort of way) Why Frauline, your laugh is positively divine.  
  
Kitty: (giggling) Why thank you good sir.  
  
Lance: (to Eden while gazing at Kitty) Your brown hair looks nice in that ponytail.  
  
Eden:(in a snippy sort of tone) My hair is black and it's not in a ponytail.  
  
Gambit: ohhhhhhh kay............ dat was, .............good................... I think.  
  
Rogue: This is so pointless.  
  
Gambit: (putting arm around her) But I'm here Chere..............  
  
Rogue: (buries face in her hands) It's official. I'm in hell.  
  
Gambit: With me here, shouldn't it be heaven?  
  
Rogue: AHHHHHHH!  
  
Kurt: (trying another line on Kitty) Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?  
  
(Kitty starts giggling uncontrolably)  
  
(Pietro speeds in) Pietro: What's goin on in here?  
  
Lance: (to Eden while gazing at Kitty again) You have beautiful blue eyes.  
  
Pietro: (looks from Lance to Eden's eyes and back to Lance) Dude, her eyes are purple.....  
  
Eden: (to Lance) Jerk.  
  
(Kurt and Kitty laugh and the leave, with Lance following)  
  
Lance: Kitty! Wait up!  
  
Kitty: (from out in hall) Buzz of Lance! I, like, don't want to talk to you!  
  
(the three of them leave and arguing can be heard as they walk away)  
  
Pietro: (to Eden) Now that the zero is gone, you can get with a hero! (flexes bony stick arms like he has muscles)  
  
Eden: (taps finger to chin and pretends to think) You're right Speedy. I think I'll go look for one now. (heads out the door)  
  
Pietro: (following Eden out the door) I MENT ME!  
  
(Pietro chases Eden down the hall. Crashing and mild swearing is heard as the two of them get further away)  
  
Gambit: (puts arm around Rogue again as she continues to inspect her nails. He twirls her hair around his finger) So......... how've ya been Chere? Lonely with out me?  
  
Rogue: (puts glove back on and pushes his arm off her) Don't you ever get tired of hearing yourself talk?  
  
Pyro: (past breaking point) PLEASE! HELP ME!  
  
Fio: But Pyro, honey, we still have to plan the Honeymoon....  
  
Pyro: (starts sobbing) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Fio: Here Honey! (hands him a lighter)  
  
Pyro: (lovestruck, and says to the lighter) Heya good lookin, come here often? Oh no! Someone's gotten fingerprints on you! (starts wiping fingerprints off lighter)  
  
Fio: So I was thinking Italy or France for the honeymoon...  
  
Pyro: ( still to lighter) Don't ever leave me again. You are my life.......  
  
Fio: STOP TALKING TO THE LIGHTER! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME!  
  
Pyro: Undo the Handcuffs and I will.....  
  
(Fio unlocks handcuffs)  
  
Pyro: AHHHHHHHHHH! (runs out of room with lighters)  
  
Rogue: Go get him girl!  
  
Fio: PYRO! WAIT! (chases out after him)  
  
Gambit: Well well Chere, it seems that it's just us now. AAAAlllllllll alone............  
  
Rogue: I'n done here. I'm leaving. (stalks out of room)  
  
Gambit: (sighing) Well I guess dis is it for de Remy LeBeau Institute for the Romantically Challenged for now. Next lesson is keeping your lady from leaving. (Sighs again and then smiles) If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go brighten my Chere's day! (heads out after Rogue. She can be heard yelling for him to leave her alone while he's insisting they are ment to be) 


End file.
